Because You Think You’re Too Good For Everyone

1 Jun

He thinks he’s George Clooney, when in reality he’s Curious George. She thinks she’s Heidi Klum, but really she’s Olive Oyl (Popeye’s girlfriend).

We’ve all met, maybe even dated, this mama’s boy, daddy’s little princess or God’s gift to the world. However, this picky dater doesn’t often get a second date because they’re too good for you – or so they think.

This person is looking for the Holy Grail of significant others. Even though this person isn’t perfection personified, they aren’t willing to settle and they want everyone to know it. They are not stopping until they have their perfect husband or wife sitting down to a delicious dinner with their 2.5 children in their flawlessly massive mansion surrounded by precisely manicured shrubs and a white picket fence.

Stop being so picky. You’re not perfect either.

…this is why you’re single.

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Because You’re Sporting A Ponytail

1 Jun

The only one with long, luscious locks in this relationship should be me (the female author of this blog).  Your attachment to your hair scares me a little, plus it means that you most likely spend more time on your hair than I do.

Whether it’s a side, high or low pony, braided, curly or straight or the ever-feminine half-up, half-down combination, the only American man who can pull off a ponytail is Willie Nelson.

Although this stipulation flies out the window of you are European or South American.  The accent and the exotic thrills foreign men provide cancel out this horrendous hair faux-pas. (See Antonio Banderas and David Beckham)

Here’s a tip from me to you, cut the hair.  Spend less time combing and coiffing your hair, and more time hanging out with us.  We’ll be happier and you’ll look manlier.

…this is why you’re single.

Because Your Fetish Scares Us

19 May

There once was a woman named Jillian searching for the love of her life on “The Bachelorette.”  We won’t go into the gory details for those of you whose gag reflex goes into overdrive at the mere mention of the TV show, but one of her love interests had a thing for feet.  Yes, feet.

He asked to look at them the first night he met her.  He would always make comments about how nice they were.  He’d rub them for her.  He even talked about how Jillian’s feet were so cute he’d suck on her toes.  The look on Jillian’s face was a mix of shock and horror.  And for those of you who think that’s a good thing, it’s not.

We’re not saying this guy’s foot fetish got him kicked off the show, but we think it was a major factor.  Because let’s face it, some fetishes are weird, some are creepy and some downright scare us. Continue reading

Because I Can See Your Butt

12 May

For all you guys out there who blatantly ignore social graces and decide to buy pants two sizes too big…consider the fact that it may be impacting your relationship status. We don’t want to see your holey, dirty, plaid and torn boxer shorts hanging out of the top of your jeans.

And for all you ladies out there-don’t think you’re getting off easily. Your pants seem to be fitting you two sizes too small. If I can see your cellulite and your lacy pink thong, we have problems. It’s not attractive…it’s a target for horny guys. Seeing your panties might get a man to take you home for the night, but not home to his parents. It’s disgusting. It’s socially awkward and your friends will be embarrassed to hang out with you if your underwear is pulled up around your love handles and sticking out of the top of your pants. Underwear is called underwear for a reason–keep it under your clothes and out of sight.

…this is why you’re single.

Because You Use Too Much Tongue

12 May

We love our dogs.  They’re cute.  Fun.  Always excited to see us.  And we welcome their kisses.

But when it comes to you, we don’t want any excited-dog kisses.

There’s nothing wrong with making out.  We’re all for it.  But when we’re wondering why our eyebrow is wet, there’s a problem.  So let’s keep the saliva ratios balanced.  The warning light is going to start flashing when there’s more of your saliva in our mouths, than our own.

So take a hint.  Your tongue is a muscle.  Use it or lose it.

…this is why you’re single.

Because You Play World of Warcraft (WoW…you’re a big loser)

11 May

This is you.

We get it, everyone likes video games…in moderation.

However, when you your video game life starts replacing your real life it’s time to escape.  And that’s what your girlfriend did. You don’t actually know what your best friends look like, your avatar is a female and you are a male, you wish you could meet a girl like that gnome you just killed and you frequently use the terms lol, rofl and pwned in everyday conversation.

Human interaction is necessary for healthy relationships.  Put down the mouse, put on some pants and go to a bar.

…this is why you’re single.